mute

Sometimes, if I am having a particularly warm conversation with someone and that person starts to wind down, I feel a sense of panic and dread — because tomorrow is going to be a different day, and I might be in a different mindset, and I can never be totally sure whether I will be able to “get there” by the time we reconnect.

I used to be a girl who spoke to strangers without hesitation and told them exactly what I felt — so long as what I felt was positive.  What happened to that girl?

I used to think she lived here, in my fingers, readily available — but now I see her curling in on herself, curling into fists, unable to post things as simple as, “Happy birthday!” or “Congratulations!” because she fears the screen is no longer enough to protect her.  She worries about apologies she still needs to write, inquiries she still needs to make, and she remembers how she used to talk disparagingly of fair-weather friends, and she realizes she has become one.

Am I losing my voice?